MHA #15, Monday Evening

[pocketpretzels]

As had become habit over the past few months, on Monday evening Watts found himself seated at his kitchen table surrounded by a stack of paper as he wrote to folks back in Toronto.

The most detailed letter went to the Detective and Dr. Ogden, as per usual, given that the former had experience here and thus Watts could be entirely honest about the things he'd seen and done. Less detailed were the missives sent to George Crabtree and Mrs. Hart. And finally, this week, there was a short note he owed Miss Louise Cherry, who'd written him recently expressing doubt that this address was even real. So he was writing back to assure her that no, no one had killed him in a fit of exasperation and he was in fact alive and well, just in Baltimore rather than Toronto.

It was slow going, of course, as he was making an effort to keep his writing as legible as possible. Even then, there had been more than a few sheets he'd had to discard entirely, and the wastepaper basket was starting to fill up.

[ooc: for the neighbour! that he came over is ok to mention, details NFB please.]

Comments

[hasaknightjob]

Watts wasn't talking about it like it was cheating so Steven assumed a different arrangement entirely. "But that's not quite it either. I mean I'm glad, for you. All of you. But that's not for me. That's part of the problem, yeah? I want one person but I can't be one person in return."

[pocketpretzels]

Steven would probably be less glad for them if he ever found out that Clara’s ex-lover had murdered her, framed Jack for the murder, and then kidnapped and beaten Watts in an attempt to find out where Jack had fled to.

But that was a story for another time.

“You can,” Watts insisted. “You may share a body but your mind is your own.”

[hasaknightjob]

Steven would certainly have some opinions on that story if he ever heard about it, yes. In the meanwhile there was the current conversation.

"But why would anyone want that?" Steven asked. "Why would anyone want less than someone else could give them?"

[pocketpretzels]

"Who's to say why anyone wants anything?" Watts said. "Perhaps they don't see it in terms of less or more, but what you in particular have to offer."

[hasaknightjob]

That was the dream, wasn't it? Steven sighed. "It'd be nice if I could figure out what that is, someday."

[pocketpretzels]

More than one person in Fandom was already ahead of you there, Steven. Catch up.

"Which is why you ought to give yourself the chance," Watts pointed out. Reasonably.

[hasaknightjob]

"I will," Steven said. "I want to. All of it. Even the children some day. But only if there's a way in that for Marc to be happy as well. That's non negotiable for me. That's why I need to be honest. And not... suggest I'm available for things that I'm not."

[pocketpretzels]

Watts nodded. "That's completely reasonable. And in the vein of being honest, if you weren't concerned with Marc's happiness as well, then- you clearly wouldn't be the man I thought you to be."

[hasaknightjob]

"Thank you." Some of the tension left Steven now that he'd gotten past everything he needed to say. "Because that's part of the big ask as well, isn't it? Them needing to understand how important he is to me."

[pocketpretzels]

"Obviously," Watts nodded. And then, a touch hesitant: "I would like to meet him someday, you know. Assuming he would care to."

[hasaknightjob]

"Yeah, no, he's not against that," Steven said. "We've just - we've been trying to figure out how it all works, you know? We've never been able to share like this before. It was always one or the other, no ability to interact. So this part about having a life, we're sussing it out as we go. Different places to call our own, different friends to talk to. I - I think that's what happened Saturday. He knew I - he knew you and I were friends so he dropped me in when he saw you."

Also Marc really could not stress how much he was tired of waiting for certain pennies to drop as far as Steven's awareness of things. Case in point.

[pocketpretzels]

"I did wonder about that," Watts admitted. "Listening to radio after the fact, it seemed very odd that he was there to talk to everyone else but had mysteriously vacated before I entered the room."

Looking back on it, the way Steven had apparently startled awake despite his eyes already being open, the way he'd spoken aloud to Marc despite the other man (seemingly) not being there... Well. It seemed almost obvious, except for how it was never a conclusion Watts would've thought to arrive at.

[hasaknightjob]

"Yeah, that was nice, Stark not mentioning it," Steven said. "He knows. Probably guessed we didn't want that information public. Liz, Stark, Jon figured it out on Saturday. I still need to talk to him about that, actually. But, um, yeah. Now you. Of people on the island, I mean."

[pocketpretzels]

"And I'm not about to go telling anyone else, you needn't worry about that," Watts assured him. "I understand the value of discretion."

[hasaknightjob]

"Thank you," Steven said. "I know it's going to get out sooner or later. Especially if there's people like Jon who can know without us saying it. All the more reason why I wanted you to hear it coming from me."

Steven sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "It's a mess. I know it is. It's a mess for us as well but I know that's not helpful to hear."

[pocketpretzels]

"I can think of very few people whose lives aren't a mess in some way or another," Watts said drily. "Myself included. Yours is just more unique than most."

[hasaknightjob]

"At least I'm not alone?" Steven said. He grimaced. "Sorry. Someone had to make the joke, might as well be me."

[pocketpretzels]

"Hmmm, can't say I wasn't thinking it," Watts admitted.

[hasaknightjob]

"It's right there, I can't blame you," Steven said. He gave Watts a quick smile to show there was truly no offense. "And that's part of it, isn't it? Us not being alone. Marc thinks it was better for me before I knew but I wouldn't go back. Not for anything. Even when this way means there's sacrifices."

[pocketpretzels]

Which had Watts mildly curious about Steven's love life prior to him finding out about Marc, naturally. Particularly since from the way Steven spoke it sounded as if Marc had been aware of Steven's existence this whole time.

But he wasn't going to pry. Not his place.

"No way to go but forward, anyhow," Watts said.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven nodded in agreement. "I appreciate it. You listening. Not showing me the door or anything. I mean I understand things can't be the same but..."

Steven trailed off. There were things he wanted to say, like hopes he and Watts could at least continue to be friends, or one day again be friends if Watts was all right after having time to think about it. But those rang hollow. They weren't fully true, and it wasn't his place to ask for anything more than understanding right now anyway.

[pocketpretzels]

"The same as what?" Watts frowned at him, puzzled. "You and I were involved in nothing untoward." There had been, yes, various gestures on either of their parts that could have been interpreted as courtship, or a precursor to same, but given that Steven clearly didn't think such a thing was possible, then it couldn't have been on his part. And as for Watts's own feelings, well.

He could push those aside. Had done so before, could do it again.

[hasaknightjob]

"I'm not who or what you thought I was," Steven said. He looked at Watts, his brows furrowed in puzzlement. "I understand if that means you can't trust me anymore or - or don't care to spend time with me. Be my friend. Or any of it."

[pocketpretzels]

"Ah, you see, but I've had this argument before- albeit not under these exact circumstances. Are you the same man as you were yesterday? Your hair, your fingernails, they've been cut and discarded. Over time, our entire body falls away and is reconstituted," Watts pointed out.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven's puzzlement wasn't getting any better. "But that's just it. My body isn't the problem here. It's me. I'm not who you thought me to be."