MHA #15, Monday Evening

[pocketpretzels]

As had become habit over the past few months, on Monday evening Watts found himself seated at his kitchen table surrounded by a stack of paper as he wrote to folks back in Toronto.

The most detailed letter went to the Detective and Dr. Ogden, as per usual, given that the former had experience here and thus Watts could be entirely honest about the things he'd seen and done. Less detailed were the missives sent to George Crabtree and Mrs. Hart. And finally, this week, there was a short note he owed Miss Louise Cherry, who'd written him recently expressing doubt that this address was even real. So he was writing back to assure her that no, no one had killed him in a fit of exasperation and he was in fact alive and well, just in Baltimore rather than Toronto.

It was slow going, of course, as he was making an effort to keep his writing as legible as possible. Even then, there had been more than a few sheets he'd had to discard entirely, and the wastepaper basket was starting to fill up.

[ooc: for the neighbour! that he came over is ok to mention, details NFB please.]

Comments

[hasaknightjob]

"Thank you," Steven said. "I know it's going to get out sooner or later. Especially if there's people like Jon who can know without us saying it. All the more reason why I wanted you to hear it coming from me."

Steven sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "It's a mess. I know it is. It's a mess for us as well but I know that's not helpful to hear."

[pocketpretzels]

"I can think of very few people whose lives aren't a mess in some way or another," Watts said drily. "Myself included. Yours is just more unique than most."

[hasaknightjob]

"At least I'm not alone?" Steven said. He grimaced. "Sorry. Someone had to make the joke, might as well be me."

[pocketpretzels]

"Hmmm, can't say I wasn't thinking it," Watts admitted.

[hasaknightjob]

"It's right there, I can't blame you," Steven said. He gave Watts a quick smile to show there was truly no offense. "And that's part of it, isn't it? Us not being alone. Marc thinks it was better for me before I knew but I wouldn't go back. Not for anything. Even when this way means there's sacrifices."

[pocketpretzels]

Which had Watts mildly curious about Steven's love life prior to him finding out about Marc, naturally. Particularly since from the way Steven spoke it sounded as if Marc had been aware of Steven's existence this whole time.

But he wasn't going to pry. Not his place.

"No way to go but forward, anyhow," Watts said.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven nodded in agreement. "I appreciate it. You listening. Not showing me the door or anything. I mean I understand things can't be the same but..."

Steven trailed off. There were things he wanted to say, like hopes he and Watts could at least continue to be friends, or one day again be friends if Watts was all right after having time to think about it. But those rang hollow. They weren't fully true, and it wasn't his place to ask for anything more than understanding right now anyway.

[pocketpretzels]

"The same as what?" Watts frowned at him, puzzled. "You and I were involved in nothing untoward." There had been, yes, various gestures on either of their parts that could have been interpreted as courtship, or a precursor to same, but given that Steven clearly didn't think such a thing was possible, then it couldn't have been on his part. And as for Watts's own feelings, well.

He could push those aside. Had done so before, could do it again.

[hasaknightjob]

"I'm not who or what you thought I was," Steven said. He looked at Watts, his brows furrowed in puzzlement. "I understand if that means you can't trust me anymore or - or don't care to spend time with me. Be my friend. Or any of it."

[pocketpretzels]

"Ah, you see, but I've had this argument before- albeit not under these exact circumstances. Are you the same man as you were yesterday? Your hair, your fingernails, they've been cut and discarded. Over time, our entire body falls away and is reconstituted," Watts pointed out.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven's puzzlement wasn't getting any better. "But that's just it. My body isn't the problem here. It's me. I'm not who you thought me to be."

[pocketpretzels]

"But that is my point exactly," Watts said, index finger pointing in Steven's direction. "If none of us are in fact the same today as we were yesterday, then it cannot be your fault alone that who I perceived you to be yesterday is different than who I perceive you to be today. And perhaps tomorrow I shall learn something new about you- be it small or large- and my perception will change yet again. That is simply the nature of existing in this world."

[hasaknightjob]

"This is the biggest," Steven said. His puzzlement was now uncertainty. It seemed too much to hope for that things could be all right between them. "I mean if you're wondering. Nothing larger than that. But - you're not angry? I'd understand if you were. Or didn't want to see me again."

[pocketpretzels]

"I'm not angry," Watts assured him. "If you wish me to be entirely honest, I am a little hurt that it took you this long to tell me. But I also understand why it was so," he added, lips turning up in a bittersweet little smile. "Not seeing you again, though?" he shook his head. "No. I couldn't bear that."

[hasaknightjob]

Steven told himself very firmly he wasn't allowed to feel warm in response to Watts saying that. How well he was able to keep that hidden, however, was up to Watts's observation skills. Though Steven had never been a good actor.

"It wasn't you, honest," Steven said. "I mean thank you for telling me. I want to know. But it was me. I was sloppy. And scared. And selfish. I rather liked spending time with you as well, you see."

[pocketpretzels]

Watts personally thought there was nothing wrong with a little selfishness now and again, but it was clear Steven wasn't quite ready to hear that message.

"Well, good. Then we can continue. To be friends."

Even if Steven's nonverbal reaction there was just enough to ignite the tiniest of sparks in Watts's own chest.

[hasaknightjob]

"I'd like that," Steven said, able to try meeting Watts's eyes again as he said it. "I can do friendship. I'm good at it. Or I guess I think I am. Not really up to me, is it? Nobody thinks to leave reviews. Steven Grant: four out of five stars. Only wish he was better at remembering birthdays."

[pocketpretzels]

"Who among us hasn't forgotten a birthday or two?" It's possible Watts had forgotten his own birthday on at least one occasion.

A beat of silence as something occurred to him, and then: "... is that why you insisted on me addressing you by your given name?" he asked.

[hasaknightjob]

"Yeah," Steven said. He rubbed one hand against the other again. Not so much in nerves but unconscious uncertainty. "I mean everybody gets Steven wrong. P-H instead of V and all that. But Grant - Steven Grant's all right. I don't mind it, you calling me that. It's nice. But Grant isn't - it's - Marc's last name is Spector. Marc Spector. And he was the first so. That's what's on birth certificates and the like. The real ones, anyway. Not my name."

[pocketpretzels]

"That makes sense," Watts nodded. Secretly, selfishly, he was glad that Steven had no problems with the way he sometimes would use Steven Grant. It was a strange reversal of how intimate using someone's given name alone usually was, but as much as he enjoyed it, he'd stop in a heartbeat if it made Steven uncomfortable.

Marc, on the other hand, was already being mentally reclassified as Mr. Spector.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven very much did not mind when Watts called him by his full name. There were no hints that Watts needed to stop hidden in Steven's mention of it. Quite the opposite, in fact.

"Guess that's two confessions today," Steven said, trying for a smile as well as a small joke. "Marc and the fake IDs. Sorry, detective. Hope it's not a problem?"

[pocketpretzels]

“Iiiii think I can be convinced to overlook the issue of forged identification,” Watts said. For several reasons, most notably the fact that a standardized system for identification did not yet exist in his own time. And also the fact that he may soon need some forged papers of his own, if this mainland excursion were to happen.

[hasaknightjob]

"You sure?" The tension Steven had felt was beginning to dissolve enough that his smile was steadier instead of something he had to try for. "Only I've already told you the pretzels were for no reason. So if I'm to bribe you I'll have to find something else."

[pocketpretzels]

“Do you think, if I had to prove my identity in the here-and-now to someone, they’d take my papers at face value?” he asked pointedly.

[hasaknightjob]

"Sorry," Steven said. He was serious once more. Watts wasn't angry, but if he thought Steven was truly confused then Steven had taken a wrong turn somewhere. "It was meant to be a joke. Not one of my funnier ones, I suppose."